Man Utd Jokes

Warning - vitriolic drivel follows (don't try this at home).

So universally despised, they deserve a whole section to themselves. Never in the field of football conflict has one team been so hated by so many for so much. Why? Jealousy would say Man Utd fans, bollocks would say I. People are jealous of their success, but No-one is jealous of a Man Utd supporter, it's the last thing in the world you would want to be.The great sides of the past, provoked jealousy at their success, but never the widespread dislike of Man Utd fans and the team. 3 main reasons :

- The biggest bunch of whingers and moaners gathered at one club, ever!. The biggest culprit of the lot Mr Alex Furguson, leads by example! They've won everything and they're still bloody whinging!

- Favouritism. Your more likely to hear Alex Furguson criticise one of his players than see an opposition penalty at Old Trafford, and if they did get one it would be disallowed.

- The Fans. Lets make a clear distinction here, there's football fans and their Man Utd fans and hardly ever do the two go together. For Man Utd fan read Glory Hunter, one of the biggest jokes about Man Utd fans is that they all live outside Manchester. The thing is it's no joke, it's fact. You'll see more kids walking round London wearing Man Utd shirts than you will in Manchester. Most of these kids will never of been north of Watford in their lives, that ain't what being a footballer supporter is. You don't support a club because they win trophies, you support them because fate made you a supporter and you stick with them through thick and thin. Man Utd are one giant bandwagon with nothing in common with real football supporters. Man Utd fans are arrogant, smug, glory hunting, non-mancunians who shouldn't even be classed as football fans.

If there's one thing that unites Everton/Liverpool, Spurs/Arsenal, Newcastle/Sunderland fans is the dislike of Man Utd fans.

To be fair there are some good United fans who can claim to be legitimate fans and are OK people, if you find one make sure you shake their hand and take a photo - they're very rare!

• Money saving tip for Man Utd fans - rather than waste more money on yet another replica kit, simply strap a large rubber dildo to your head, it'll be perfectly obvious to everyone who you support.
  

• Anagrams : Manchester United
  - Urine Detatchments
  - Cremated Nun Shite
  - Hesitant Crude Men
  

• Q.What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and a jet engine??
  A: A jet engine eventually stops whining!!!!

• Q.What's the difference between Schmeichel and Pamela Anderson?
  A: Pammy's only got two tits in front of her

• Q.What have a three pin plug and Man U got in common?
  A.They're both useless in Europe.

• Q: How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a lightbulb? ...
  A: Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out!

• Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs?
  A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

• From the Viz Top Tips:

  Manchester United Directors - why spend 25 million on a new 3 tier stand at Old Trafford? Why not relocate and build a brand new stadium somewhere near London to reward your loyal lifelong supporters with a shorter journey home after matches.

• Andy Cole is ill, so Alex Ferguson offers to go shopping for him. While in the local supermarket, he bumps into Roy Evans.

  "Hello, Alex, what are you doing here?"

  "I'm getting a bag of potatoes for Andy Cole."

  "Sounds like a fair swap to me!!"

• Andy Cole.

• Have you heard about the new Roy Keane alarm clock.....

  It goes off every 20 minutes

• An antique collector walks into a store in a place called Hamlyn. He sees a small brass rat on the shelf. After looking for any other bargains in the store, he decides he wants to buy the rat. He asks the storekeeper "How much for the brass rat?" The storekeeper says "Ten marks for the rat. One hundred and twenty marks for the story." The guy says "What's the story?" The storekeeper says "I wont tell you unless you give me a hundred and twenty marks." The collector says "Skip the story", pays for the rat, and walks out of the store.

  He puts the rat in his backpack and starts riding his bike across the nearest bridge. A short time later, the guy looks behind him and sees a rat following him. This strikes him as odd, but not unheard of, so he pedals on. A moment later he hears cars honking behind him and turns around to see a pack of about a dozen rats following him. He turns and pedals faster. Finally, as he nears the other side of the bridge he looks behind him and sees hundreds of rats chasing him. He concludes that the rats must be chasing the brass rat and decides this is too much. He stops his bike, pulls the rat from his pack and throws it off the bridge into the river.

  He watches as the huge pack of rats jump off the bridge and drown. Relieved but curious, the guy pedals back to the antique store. The storekeeper sees him come in, shakes his head, and says "You should have bought the story. You can still have it for one hundred and twenty marks." The guy shakes his head and says "Forget the story. How much for the brass Manchester United Supporter?"